There are times when words can feel just like daggers. They create a wound that is deep and hard. Although they don’t leave visible wounds, someplace deep inside they keep bleeding. Some remain unhealed and open for a lifetime.
Why?
Why are you doing this? Why do you keep breaking things? Why are you so rude? Why can’t you ever sit still? Why do you always spill something? Why are you jumping? Why are you crying? Why? Why? Why?! It’s a series of blows. One can go berserk from it and, at the same time, throw our little one into endless feelings of guilt. This guilt will form not just from an overabundance of questions, but also from the very word “why.” Do you know why that is?
Because it carries an accusation. When we hear it, we feel as if we are being interrogated as the guilty party. Both children and adults automatically react negatively to it, as the “Why?” question demands justification or an explanation. By asking “Why?!” I am accusing you and you have to explain yourself immediately!
You probably also hear at work or home, “Why haven’t you finished that paper yet?”, “Why are you late?” or “Why is there no dinner yet?” Recall how you felt in those moments—depressed,angry,defiant,sad, orhumiliated? A child feels the same way under the fire ofthose questions. They feel guilty, humiliated, inferior, and undeserving of mom and dad’s love. Some children will rebel while others will shut down.
And if you add “you never” or “you always,” to your “why” questions, you label your child as a “grubby,” a “loser,” or a “bully.” And what is worse is that your child will believe it, even if you just said it in anger and don’t really mean it! They will believe what you say because your child believes you, dear parent, like no one else in the world. But the blow has been made and the wound remains somewhere deep inside, only to become exposed in adult life and influence important life choices. So it’s best to avoid the word “why” and drop the phrases “why do you always” or “why do you never” from your vocabulary.
Then how shall we ask our children why they did or did not do something? Well, here are some substitutes to consider: “What was the reason behind you destroying that toy?” or “What happened that made you cry?” These are definitely better since they are open questions—they allow the kid to express themselves without accusations or labels. A question asked in this manner is the start of a dialogue through which you can attempt to solve the problem along with your child. These questions are engaging and encourage one to speak up. They indicate that you are keen to listen to what the other person has to say.
Heavy Caliber
Let’s reach for a heavier caliber or rather, a bigger blade. “Get out of my sight!”, “Get out!” or “I don’t want to see you around anymore!” It happens to every parent because sooner or later they will get frustrated, powerless, and angry with their child’s behavior. And if one has already stuck such a dagger in, one should quickly take it out by saying, “I shouldn’t have said that” and use the patchwords “I’m sorry.”
“You annoy me!” I wonder how many times you’ve actually said that. Clearly, no one can annoy a parent as much or as often as theirown child. If you can’t resist venting your emotions in some way, replace them with some other phrase. “I’m upset/annoyed because…” you’re jumping, hitting, screaming, or whatever it is your child is doing at the time. You won’t hurt the child or strike any blows with a dagger because the words are not directed at the child, but rather at their behavior. This is all right since it is the behavior that pisses you off (all the jumping, shouting or hitting).
There is yet another advantage to saying “I’m angry/upset” whenever your child does something they shouldn’t or irritates you. When you talk about your feelings, your child learns to do it too. Expressing one’s feelings loudly and clearly is the open door to dialogue and understanding.
Killer Comparisons
“Why can’t you eat properly with a spoon? Your sister is eating nicely and you’re smashing everything sideways like a pig.” That’s as many as five blows in one go:two labels, two comparisons, and on top of that—calling the child a pig.
Comparisons can strike really serious blows.Even the seemingly innocent “Your brother studies better than you. You should follow his example.” can lead to insecurities, low self-esteem, and lack of self-confidence. But does a child have to do everything as perfectly as others do or according to what their parents expect? Nobody is perfect, and in today’s idealized virtual world, it is so easy to develop low self-esteem and dependence on others’ opinions.
Instead of comparing, try to encourage: “Look sweetie, this is how to hold a spoon properly. This way the food won’t fall off of it.” With no comparison, labels, or pigs included, the child will be more receptive to the encouragement. “Another D in math? Well…you’ll have to spend some more time to understand these exercises. I’m sure you’ll learn it eventually.”Without comparison it sounds much better, right? It never ceases to amaze me how much power words can have, how much positivity they can bring, and how empowering they can be if we only use the right ones.
Patch Words
There are plenty of daggerwords, some of which I will not even mention here because they seem so deadly that I am unable to say them, let alone write them. So what should we do when such daggerwords cross our lips? It’s better to grit our teeth harder so they don’t come out and go somewhere to calm down as soon as we feel we might be losing control.
And if you do happen to spit thesewords out, because everyone has bad days, you can use a rescue word at any time. “Sorry” is the best patch word. You can also admit your guilt just like a villain caught in the act, and you don’t be afraid to do so as you won’t get punished for it. “I was very upset. I shouldn’t have said that.” Admitting a mistake might seem very difficult, but it can heal wounds that have just been inflicted and teach a child how to act when they lose control.
Words do not have to be daggers. They can serve as lifelines. Better yet, they can be tools that fix something when it breaks. Let them serve as support, not a humiliation.
